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A LOVE LETTER FOR M.T.M.

As I type this letter, my heart is pounding out of my chest and there are butterflies in my stomach. That’s how you made me feel whenever we were together. I find myself thinking about you constantly and then I realize how much I yearn for your touch, how much I miss your smile and how much I loved our awkward conversations. I miss laying next to you while we watched MSNBC.

M.S.N.B.C.- Our first encounter was with this station and a bottle of something blue. We sat and watched this station and drank the something blue. You, already exuding confidence, made your move, while I, gaining confidence, relaxed and let you. I had butterflies in my stomach and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I was so nervous because I was about to become a woman.

For the next few years, I watched you as you watched me. Our bodies intertwined like the covers and sheets. I needed you and you needed me. I could never say no because, my climax is who I would meet.

I didn’t believe you at the time because I didn’t believe myself. I didn’t understand love so how could I accept it. I had never said it to any guy before but I said it to you, via Skype lol. I couldn’t believe that those words flew from my mouth but once they did, I didn’t have the courage to take them back. I then realized that I didn’t want to.

I have loved you fiercely for four years and three months. I haven’t the slightest amount of courage to tell you this because I’m afraid of the hurt that may come back my way. This letter is my courage. This is my courage to tell you how much I’m in love with you. You are my courage. And I only wish that courage was by my side to tell me how much I’m loved. So until then, I hold courage in my heart because I need it to live in peace. Without my courage, I would be in pieces. Even when you’re not here, my heart pounds out of my chest and butterflies flutter throughout my stomach. I’m courageous enough to admit that I love you. Will you?

Lesson Learned (Life After College)

Attending and completing college is the best decision I’ve ever made. I made that decision on my own. The memories, friends, classes, parties and people made the experience great. I was a busy college student, involved in several campus organizations, who functioned off of little or no sleep. It sounds bad, the sleep part, but I enjoyed every bit of it. I had great friends, was a member of great organizations, had a great job and even enjoyed a few of my classes. I had a life. I had a schedule. I had a planner that was full of events. I had major responsibilities. I was once the go to person. I had relationships with great looking guys,might I add. Suddenly, I graduated. I had no plan implemented for life after graduation. I was not ready to attend graduate school, therefore I did not pursue it as consistently as my other classmates. I was no longer interested in my major. Instead I fell in love with Theatre. And then I moved back home. This sucks. There’s always a seminar about careers after college. There should have been a seminar entitled “This is exactly what will happen once you graduate”. “Please GOD, grant me the wish of being employed. I don’t  care what type of job it is. I just want to be employed”. That was my prayer over the summer. I was unemployed and I was unfamiliar with that. And then GOD answered my prayers. I was hired, currently working here, as a food service worker at a hospital. THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT. I feel like I’m getting nowhere. It is indescribably challenging being patient. That’s what everybody says: “Be patient. Your time is coming”. I hope it’s soon because it’s really easy to go out and do the wrong thing. Lesson Learned: I’m impatient. I’m off to learn something else about myself. Be back soon. 

STUDY TIME!!!!!

It was more than just something materialistic. It was the memories that I blocked out. It was the functionalism that I failed to contain. It was the beat that matched my heart. It was the breath that brought me back to life. And in an instant, it was stolen. I can no longer remember. I can no longer see. What was once stored in my back up memory had been stolen from me. How do you replace a memory? I sit here feeling completely immobile. Frustrated at the world. Questioning the Master. No one to talk or turn to. I drop to my knees and beg for my life back. Everything that I had saved and planned or written was there. Secrets to be revealed. No one can know those secrets. No way to regain the memories that were stolen from me. I relished looking through my lens of life. Capped with no vision for the world to see. It had all become blank. Stored visuals of happier times can not be replaced. Especially if time is no longer on one’s hand. My heart palpitates with a sigh of depravity. I can not regain what was stolen from me. Neither can I relinquish the thoughts of not being in possession of it. I can’t carry the burden of losing it because it’s to heavy. I shall stand tall and firmly believe that it’s all in the name of THE TEST OF GOD. 

Always

A combustion of thoughts cloud my head. A faded memory of what was once the most memorable night of my life. I close my eyes and it’s instantly a kaleidoscope of colors. My thoughts now become void. I only wanted validation from him. A vacuous feeling swarms around me and finally reaches it’s destination, my heart. My body was once full of fervor for him but had now become destitute. I needed that feeling again. The fullness of life within me. I needed the combustion of fireworks. So vulnerable yet complex. An incredulous wall protected his heart. I was once the code to his secured heart. A one way connection to his collection of his writings that are on display for the world to see. I follow them waiting to become part of the collection.  I want to regain that feeling any way that I can. I want his touch. One day I will capture his heart and reclaim what I lost. I will capture his heart and hold it hostage for my soul.

Take Me Away!!!!!

Another call and more bad news. I don’t know how to deal with pain properly so I do what’s best for me. I do what makes me feel good inside. I do whatever it takes to take the pain away for that moment. I started off having a good day and then the call came. “I don’t know how else to tell you this but Mama died this morning”. My phone fell from my hands and my heart instantly became heavy. I couldn’t breathe. I felt a panic attack coming on. Thoughts ran through my mind a million miles a minute. “I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye”. I refused to cry because I should have been immune to things like this by now. I was used to bad news. I had dealt with a similar situation last year and last month I’d lost my job and last week I had to drop out of school.

My place of comfort was near. “Bartender, Cognac straight up please.” I sat alone at night in an empty bar with drink after drink. Drink number six came around and so did my next victim. “How would you like to have a little fun tonight sir?” My words slurred and speech impaired as I leaned over to a complete stranger.”I would love that Ms. Lady, he replied”. “Follow me then”. 1:00 in the morning, outside the back of a bar, I stood completely naked, waiting for a stranger to take my pain away. I had no worries or no shame. Aggressive I became as we indulged in sin. “How do you like it baby?” “Take me away, please don’t stop!” Passionately kissing, touching and rubbing, moaning and groaning. “Take the pain away, harder, harder, harder! It felt so good. His head in between my legs. Exploring my garden of good and evil. I directed his head, moaning and screaming. The pain was leaving.

My heart was no longer heavy. Up against the back wall, he lifts me up. It felt so good inside me. “Take me away, take me away.” With beats of strain in his voice, “where would you like to go Ms. Lady?” Mouth open wide with sounds of pleasure exiting, “anywhere except here sir. Just please take me away.” He locked my hands together so I couldn’t move. He had all the control. His head moving back and forth like a rocking chair. I felt the pain releasing from my body. It was leaving. I was about to explode. My nails were so deep into his skin that I could probably take a chunk out of his back. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” I exploded. It was my duty to relieve him of his pain.

The grass would be softer on my knees so I knelled into position. I wanted him to release his pain everywhere. My head moved back and forth like a rocking chair as I stared him in the eyes. We were gazing at each other as if we were a star in the sky. For that moment in time, we were both pain free. It tasted good. Wet like a drenched shirt and sticky like candy. He began to shake. His knee’s got weak. He began to scream. He pulled my hair. His nerves exploded everywhere. He was pain free. No problems, no worries, no resentment for that moment in time. Pulling his pants back up while zipping them, “thanks for that Ms. Lady.” He walked away into the bright lights that hung from the rooftop of the bar. I sat on the ground in the back of the bar. Another panic attack was coming on. The pain made its way back. Back to the bar I went. Another victim. This time a different place.

morenike-diary: I’m so lost. That must be the look I’m wearing because my Professor just interrupted my daze, “I see right through you Ms. Hammond.” Old as she is, I wanted to tell her, “I see right through you too,” but I didn’t, I sat up straight and paid attention as she wasted more of my money and brain cells. Graduate school ain’t that appealing anymore, especially if I have to sit in this dinosaur’s classroom for the next five months. I’m not lost in this class, I’ve taken it before, in undergrad, I’m lost in life. Not even ten minutes pass before I space out again, Professor Dixon is reliving Civil Rights days again, she was an activist, stories the entire class has heard a million times before. I examine everyone in the classroom, it’s only 16 of us, and collectively, we know how to work together to look like we’re paying attention, but we’re not. I have a bad habit of “people watching” but my bad habit has gotten me so far in life. Observing people help me make better decisions about trusting people. I look over at James, smiling up at Professor Dixon, appearing to be kissing ass. She thinks he’s taking notes on his Macbook, but he’s just browsing Facebook, probably reconnecting with gullible girls that fawned over him in high school, he’s just divorced his college sweetheart. Gail has been trying to get my attention for the past few minutes, she signals at me to check my phone, I ignore her. Last time we got caught texting in class, Professor reprimanded us like children, went on and on about how graduate students at PWI’s take class seriously and we act like class is a playground. Jana looks to be intrigued by whatever chapter we’re covering, her leg is bouncing up and down and she’s damn near panting, but I’m not stupid, I doubt anyone in here even knows what page we’re on but she’s knee deep in the textbook like it’s her family Bible. I zoom in on her, I know something’s up, and it is, Jana turns beet red and bounces out of her seat letting out a loud sigh and excusing herself to the restroom, apparently annoying Professor Dixon. Gail is so nosey, she picks up Jana’s textbook and discovers another smaller book under ir and muffles a gasping expression, she picks up her phone and her eyes connect with mine. I finally give in to checking my phone, ha! Jana was reading 50 Shades of Grey, figures, she orgasmed just in time, Professor Dixon catches me with my phone out and ends class early. Thank God. I try to scurry out of class as fast as possible but Professor Dixon grabs my purse strap and boomerangs me right back to her desk, “I don’t know where you think you’re going!” She playfully yells, but I know secretly she wants to gauge my eyes out. We’ve had a love/hate relationship since the day we met my junior year in undergrad. I steady myself for her lecture, I don’t know how many times we’ve gone over this. “Blakely, you know what I’m going to say already but I’m going to say it again and again until YOU start listening. I know your attention span is short, but please stop disrespecting the class and I by carrying on girlish text conversations with Gail while I’m teaching!” I nod my head and she immeadiately accepts my non-verbal apology, it’s the way we communicate. “I just don’t understand you child, you’re smart and beautiful and you don’t have a care in the world, you come to class and just .. stare. I can never tell if I’m teaching you or not!” I smile meekly, if she only knew how much of her wisdom I’ve soaked up she would laugh, academically, she’s the worst teacher I’ve ever had, so fussy and lazy, but as a woman, she’s the strongest, most intellectual character I’ve ever met. She accepts my smile as confirmation and her ego internally screams, YES! I AM A GOOD TEACHER! I squirm a little to see if she’ll catch the hint that I need to go but she ignores me as she gathers her things and guides me to the parking lot while I carry her rolling suitcase full of old books that smell like dust and academia. Once we make it to her car, she hands me my latest research paper, complimented by an A and LOTS of notes from her and her grad assistant. “I’ve recommended you to present this paper at a conference next month, you’re not going to tell me no because you owe me big time, especially after tonight. Don’t worry about the cost, the department is broke, I paid for everything out of pocket, I know you won’t let me down.” I finally manage to ‘yes ma’am’ her before she loads up her car and leaves. I stare at the paper reading over the notes while walking to the car, whoever said red ink is more effective when grading papers was anal, I made an A but it feels like she’s screaming good feedback at me in red ink. “I been out here waiting for you forever Blakely, what took you so long! It’s hot in this car and you know your a/c doesn’t blow cold anymore!” My best friend Moon, I forgot she was picking me up, forgot I’d even got dropped off at my night class. I walk faster to the car, people have been scolding me all night, last bad side I want to be on is Moon’s. “Sorry Moon, Professor Dixon held me up, I got caught texting in class again.” She doesn’t even respond, just turns up the radio and switches to the passenger’s seat. I high tail it out of the parking lot ready to leave behind school buildings and red ink. I look over at a sweating Moon, I punch my dashboard and the a/c immeadiately blows ice cold air. Moon snorts and I assure her, “you just gotta know what you’re doing, my a/c works, the car is just sensitive.” She’s still mad and there’s nothing I can do or say to change her mood right now. We ride in silence for five minutes before the phone rings and she snatches it out of the console before I even think to answer it. “Heyyyyyyy Tony!” I quickly snatch the phone from her and end the call, I don’t wanna speak to no damn Tony. “Why you tripping Blake! That was Tony! You been waiting on his phone call all week!” I ignore her and pull my paper from my notebook on the back seat while at a red light and I hand it to her. “Professor Dixon wants me to present my paper at a conference, I don’t have time for Tony or any other man, I need to focus on preparing for this.” Moon mean mugs me while taking a look over the red ink and as she reaches for her window button, I instinctively put the child lock on anticipating her next move, “don’t throw my paper out the fucking window Moon!” She throws it on the back seat and sucks her teeth, “you don’t even like that damn class, you like Tony, and I wrote that paper! You can’t present my point of view without my permission!” I bring the car to a screeching halt in my driveway, “I don’t like Tony! YOU do!” I slam the car door and go into the house to sulk, I just want a glass of wine and to relax. Moon can see that’s she pissed me off, but as a best friend, she has to make it right, and she does, bringing to the living room a chilled glass of red wine and pretzels. My facial expression says, ‘I forgive you Moon, I really do.’ She strokes my hair gently as I lay in her lap on the couch, “who would’ve thought we’d grow up to be so damn pretty, it’s like we’re twins, except I’m finer than you.” That’s all it took for me to giggle and dispute her, “Moon, only reason you look good is cause I look good, you borrow all of my clothes and shoes!” Grown women, tickling each other like fools, forgiving each other for using our lethal tongues against one another. “You need to call Tony, you like him and he likes you, when is the last time you lived a little? Grad school been stressing you out!” She was right and I didn’t want to admit it, but grad school had also been a nice distraction from myself, a vacation from my mind. “Moon I don’t even know what to say to him, Tony likes you honestly, he ain’t feeling me like that.” She handed me my cell phone, “call him and invite him over, I promise Tony likes you, I just got a feeling.” Moon always had a good feeling about something, but she was never wrong about those feelings. I wish I was as bold as her sometimes, so I often I found myself vicariously living through her, so wild and carefree. I called Tony up and treated him like prey, I pounced on the opportunity to chill with him and invited him over for a movie, he took the bait and said he’d be over in an hour. “Moon you can’t be here when he gets here, if Tony sees you, he won’t even pay me any attention.” I ransacked my room trying to find something to wear, I can’t believe I invited Tony over knowing damn well I’d probably bore him into oblivion. “Blake, go wash yourself up, I got your outfit covered, and I’m not going anywhere but to my room, I gotta make sure you don’t ruin this date!” I breathed a sigh of relief, Moon always had all bases covered, I was a nervous wreck, I didn’t do dates often. I hopped in the shower and took a cat bath, it wouldn’t be much longer before Tony got here, I yelled from the shower to Moon, “what are we gonna watch? What will I do with my hair Moon? OMG this was a bad idea!” She came in the bathroom just as I was getting out and wiped the fog from the bathroom mirror, I wrapped myself in a towel and stared blankly at myself, what am I doing? “You’re getting ready to have a good time, that’s what you’re doing Blake, stop tripping.” Moon could read the worry on my face, she pinned my wet hair into a bun and gave me a pep talk as I got dressed. “You and Tony had a good time last time ya’ll went out, you should be just fine. This time, don’t talk about politics, religion, or grad school, all that shit is boring as hell! Just relax and have a good time, Tony is cool, we owe it to him to have a good time, especially after the last date.” I rolled my eyes at her, truth be told, I don’t really remember my last date with Tony, I drunk so much I blacked out and Moon ended up bringing me home, my body was so sore and I had a few bruises. Supposedly I’d fallen down some stairs, thank God Moon came to my rescue, I tried calling Tony to apologize about ruining our date but he never answered so I figured he was ignoring me and I didn’t blame him. But a few weeks back, Moon ran into him and made amends, told him I was sorry and didn’t even remember the date and she encouraged him to see me again. This date would be my last chance to make a first impression. I got dressed and went into the kitchen to fix some wine and a small tray of pretzels, cheese, and grapes. Moon set up an action movie and straightened up the living room, the door bell rang and I freaked out, “OMG he’s here! Do I look ok? Please don’t let me drink too much tonite Moon! Should I answer the door?!” Moon snickered and dragged me to the door, “relax, calm down, and answer the door. I’ll be in my room. Have a good time Blake.” I opened the door and there was Tony, looking like a sly cheshire cat, grinning all big, and better looking than what I remembered last time. All I could manage was a school girl giggle and, “hi.” He handed me a bouquet of lillies and hugged me, “good to see you Blakely, it’s been a while. Is Moon around too?” It’s been a while alright, I don’t remember our last damn date and he’s already asking about Moon! I pull my people skills together and charmed him into the living room. “Yes Moon is here, she’s in her room, she can leave if it’ll make you more comfortable but she is my roommate.” He took off his jacket and got comfortable on the couch, helping himself to a glass of wine on the coffee table before I even offered, what an asshole, “No no, Moon can stay, I was just going to speak, you have a really cool roommate ya know, me and Moon got along really well last time we went out.” I scoffed at him, jerk, funny how he remembers the good time with Moon coming to my rescue to save my drunk ass instead of our date. I think we had a good time? I push that into the back of my mind and get comfortable next to him on the couch. “I hope the wine is to your liking, just let me say Tony, I’m extremely sorry about what happened on our first date, that was very out of character and unladylike, I was so embarassed, but I’m glad Moon was able to reconnect us again.” He smiled wide, that cheshire cat again, “Blakely, don’t apologize at all, we actually had a great time, I’m looking forward to enjoying you again, and like I said, I was surprised to meet someone like Moon but we had a good time. Let’s forget all about it, a clean slate, ok?” His words calmed my nerves, maybe he’s not such an asshole after all, “Ok, let’s enjoy ourselves, I got Transformers 2 on dvd, I hope you like action movies.” He scooted over to sit closer to me, “oh yea, I love action! Good pick Blake.” I passed him the tray of snacks, he looked hungry and I wasn’t sure if he was hungry for me or for food, but I didn’t want to send mixed signals because I’d let him scoot over so close. I started the movie and exhaled, whispered to myself, “you’re in control Blakely, just chill.” The movie was getting good, we hadn’t exchanged many words except for our excitement over the robots and our agreeance that Megan Fox was hot. I excused myself to use the restroom and ran into Moon in the hallway, “Moon are you spying on us?!” She snickered, “hell no, I was just trying to see if he was snoring yet!” Moon and her sense of humor, sometimes she bothered me, “why the hell would he be snoring, for your information, we’re having a pretty damn good time Moon! Go back to your room.” I laughed my way to the bathroom, when I came back out, Moon’s door was closed, I hope I hadn’t offended her. I had finally relaxed and was getting comfortable with Tony, I sat back on the couch to finish the movie, “were you talking to Moon back there? Tell her come on out and watch the movie with us.” He had officially ruined the mood, “you sure do like Moon alot huh? If you wanted to kick it with her then you should have said so from the get instead of wasting my damn time.” I sucked my teeth so he could see how annoyed I was and it didn’t phase him one bit, “come on baby, don’t trip, we had a better time when Moon was with us, what’s up with this movie shit anyway, you know what I came for!” His hand snaked up my thigh and he snatched at the band of my yoga pants, “what the fuck are you doing?!” I hopped off the couch to face him, “I don’t know what the fuck you came for but it ain’t for this!” He jumped off the couch and yawned, yawned at me like I was a joke, “bitch quit trippin! You want this, that’s what I came for, you like it rough remember, or was it Moon that liked it rough?” That evil grin appeared, like the devil was in front of me, I slapped him hard as I could and he charged me and I ducked to grab something to hit him with and before I knew it, *whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,* Moon had beat his skull in with a slugger, “OMG Moon what the fuck!” She snickered as he hit the ground, she put the tip of the slugger on his lips, spreading the blood on like lip gloss, “that’s what crazy tastes like BITCH!” I puked from the sight of it all, “Moon, what is wrong with you! Are you crazy?!” Moon ignored me and I followed her into the kitchen, she got a bucket and cleaning supplies, I screamed at her, “dammit you hear me, what the hell just happened! You just killed him! We’re going to jail Moon!” When she finally looked at me, her eyes were so empty, like I could see right through her dark soul, “shut the fuck up and help me clean this shit up and I’ll tell you what just happened.” I grabbed gloves and ammonia and asked no more questions, I was officially scared shitless and I was going to do whatever Moon told me to do to fix this mess. “Now now Blakely, you know I love you, we’ve been best friends forever. I had to protect you is all, that’s all I did was protect you, Tony deserved everything his ass got just now.” The tears started to fall, I almost rubbed my eyes, full of blood and bleach till she stopped me, “be strong Blake, stop that damn crying and clean! You need to hear everything I’m telling you.” I straightened myself up and kept scrubbing while she wrapped his body in a large sheet of plastic, had she been planning this shit? Where the hell did she get a plastic sheet from? “Blakely, the first time you and Tony went out, he raped you.” I couldn’t function, I was frozen, I stopped scrubbing and just stared at the bastard’s body, “what are you talking about Moon? I haven’t been raped!” She dropped his leg on the floor, screaming at me, “you dumb cunt! you don’t even remember the damn date! You were boring him, religion, politics, grad school! I told you that shit was boring, so I came out to lighten things up, but he’d already done it before I got there. He drugged you! Put a damn roofie in that weak wine you like so much and took you to some rat ass motel and he raped you! I couldn’t do shit then but watch, yea, I watched that sick bastard, but I rescued you and now I’m taking care of things! I’m protecting you! I ran into him a few weeks back and he was just smiling from ear to ear like a damn cheshire cat, he mistook you for me, we look so much alike ya know. I saw the perfect opportunity present itself, he assumed I didn’t remember, hell you didn’t, but I did, so I set up another date, this date.” The room started to spin and everything was so clear, all I could hear in my head was Moon’s voice asking, “is he snoring yet?” he yawned, oh my God he yawned, “Moon, you drugged him! You roofied his wine?! What if I had drank mine too!” She wouldn’t even look at me, just kept scrubbing, “I’m not stupid Blake, after blacking out on the first date I was pretty sure you’d want to be sober this date. Like I said before, I got you, I’m here to protect you, chill out!” I began to hyperventilate, I couldn’t believe I’d just killed a man! All I could think about was that damn research paper and red ink and in my head, I could hear Professor Dixon, “I know you won’t let me down, you owe me big time.” Religion, politics, grad school, all that boring shit that kept me busy, kept me sane, my future, thinking about it all snapped me into survival mode, “where the fuck we burying this bastard?” Moon snickered, “that’s more like it, there’s a hole in the backyard waiting on his ass, we’re planting a garden next week, how do you feel about squash, tomatoes, and corn? You do like corn don’t you?” Suddenly I was horrified again, “Moon where the hell did a hole come from? When did you do that? A garden? And what about his car, Moon are you insane?!” She looked annoyed with me, “I’m saving your ass and you’re giving me the third degree? Tony doesn’t have a car, his sorry ass took public transit over here to come rape you again! And you been digging that hole for weeks, I been waking you up out of your sleep every night, and lastly, yes, a garden, this fools body will be great fertilizer for vegetables! Stop tripping!” All I could see was red, enough was enough, I wanted to strangle her, “you’re the reason I’ve been sleep walking? Waking up dirty? Had me thinking I was crazy! What the hell is wrong with you Moon?” She jumped up ready to attack, “Poor Blakely, think you’re crazy? Girl you are crazy or I wouldn’t be here, you’d be able to do this on your own! Now shut the fuck up and help me finish cleaning this mess!” An adrenaline rush gave me everything I needed to smash Moon’s head into the wall until she passed out on the floor and I felt an immediate sense of relief. It’s Moon’s fault I’m in this mess, not mine, but I was going to finish what she started. I drug Tony’s body into the backyard and rolled him over into the hole, I was too dizzy to cover him with dirt, that would have to wait until tomorrow. I stumbled back into the house and there was Moon’s weak, half lifeless image, begging for me to hold on to her, not to let her go. I wasn’t going to save her, she wasn’t worthy of being saved. She cried out to me, “they’ll still think you’re crazy, you’re still crazy Blake,” and I just laughed in her face, had me thinking I was crazy, no, she was the insane one! I wiped blood from my brow and sucked the tangy courage from my fingers, “this is what crazy tastes like bitch.” I got up to go lay down, I was dizzy as hell, “crazy my ass,” I turned around to see if Moon was dead yet, but who the hell was I talking to, there was no one else in the room …
Zoom

morenike-diary:

I’m so lost. That must be the look I’m wearing because my Professor just interrupted my daze, “I see right through you Ms. Hammond.” Old as she is, I wanted to tell her, “I see right through you too,” but I didn’t, I sat up straight and paid attention as she wasted more of my money and brain cells. Graduate school ain’t that appealing anymore, especially if I have to sit in this dinosaur’s classroom for the next five months. I’m not lost in this class, I’ve taken it before, in undergrad, I’m lost in life.

Not even ten minutes pass before I space out again, Professor Dixon is reliving Civil Rights days again, she was an activist, stories the entire class has heard a million times before. I examine everyone in the classroom, it’s only 16 of us, and collectively, we know how to work together to look like we’re paying attention, but we’re not. I have a bad habit of “people watching” but my bad habit has gotten me so far in life. Observing people help me make better decisions about trusting people. I look over at James, smiling up at Professor Dixon, appearing to be kissing ass. She thinks he’s taking notes on his Macbook, but he’s just browsing Facebook, probably reconnecting with gullible girls that fawned over him in high school, he’s just divorced his college sweetheart.

Gail has been trying to get my attention for the past few minutes, she signals at me to check my phone, I ignore her. Last time we got caught texting in class, Professor reprimanded us like children, went on and on about how graduate students at PWI’s take class seriously and we act like class is a playground. Jana looks to be intrigued by whatever chapter we’re covering, her leg is bouncing up and down and she’s damn near panting, but I’m not stupid, I doubt anyone in here even knows what page we’re on but she’s knee deep in the textbook like it’s her family Bible. I zoom in on her, I know something’s up, and it is, Jana turns beet red and bounces out of her seat letting out a loud sigh and excusing herself to the restroom, apparently annoying Professor Dixon.

Gail is so nosey, she picks up Jana’s textbook and discovers another smaller book under ir and muffles a gasping expression, she picks up her phone and her eyes connect with mine. I finally give in to checking my phone, ha! Jana was reading 50 Shades of Grey, figures, she orgasmed just in time, Professor Dixon catches me with my phone out and ends class early. Thank God. I try to scurry out of class as fast as possible but Professor Dixon grabs my purse strap and boomerangs me right back to her desk, “I don’t know where you think you’re going!”

She playfully yells, but I know secretly she wants to gauge my eyes out. We’ve had a love/hate relationship since the day we met my junior year in undergrad. I steady myself for her lecture, I don’t know how many times we’ve gone over this. “Blakely, you know what I’m going to say already but I’m going to say it again and again until YOU start listening. I know your attention span is short, but please stop disrespecting the class and I by carrying on girlish text conversations with Gail while I’m teaching!” I nod my head and she immeadiately accepts my non-verbal apology, it’s the way we communicate. “I just don’t understand you child, you’re smart and beautiful and you don’t have a care in the world, you come to class and just .. stare. I can never tell if I’m teaching you or not!”

I smile meekly, if she only knew how much of her wisdom I’ve soaked up she would laugh, academically, she’s the worst teacher I’ve ever had, so fussy and lazy, but as a woman, she’s the strongest, most intellectual character I’ve ever met. She accepts my smile as confirmation and her ego internally screams, YES! I AM A GOOD TEACHER! I squirm a little to see if she’ll catch the hint that I need to go but she ignores me as she gathers her things and guides me to the parking lot while I carry her rolling suitcase full of old books that smell like dust and academia.

Once we make it to her car, she hands me my latest research paper, complimented by an A and LOTS of notes from her and her grad assistant. “I’ve recommended you to present this paper at a conference next month, you’re not going to tell me no because you owe me big time, especially after tonight. Don’t worry about the cost, the department is broke, I paid for everything out of pocket, I know you won’t let me down.” I finally manage to ‘yes ma’am’ her before she loads up her car and leaves. I stare at the paper reading over the notes while walking to the car, whoever said red ink is more effective when grading papers was anal, I made an A but it feels like she’s screaming good feedback at me in red ink.

“I been out here waiting for you forever Blakely, what took you so long! It’s hot in this car and you know your a/c doesn’t blow cold anymore!” My best friend Moon, I forgot she was picking me up, forgot I’d even got dropped off at my night class. I walk faster to the car, people have been scolding me all night, last bad side I want to be on is Moon’s. “Sorry Moon, Professor Dixon held me up, I got caught texting in class again.” She doesn’t even respond, just turns up the radio and switches to the passenger’s seat. I high tail it out of the parking lot ready to leave behind school buildings and red ink.

I look over at a sweating Moon, I punch my dashboard and the a/c immeadiately blows ice cold air. Moon snorts and I assure her, “you just gotta know what you’re doing, my a/c works, the car is just sensitive.” She’s still mad and there’s nothing I can do or say to change her mood right now. We ride in silence for five minutes before the phone rings and she snatches it out of the console before I even think to answer it. “Heyyyyyyy Tony!” I quickly snatch the phone from her and end the call, I don’t wanna speak to no damn Tony. “Why you tripping Blake! That was Tony! You been waiting on his phone call all week!” I ignore her and pull my paper from my notebook on the back seat while at a red light and I hand it to her.

“Professor Dixon wants me to present my paper at a conference, I don’t have time for Tony or any other man, I need to focus on preparing for this.” Moon mean mugs me while taking a look over the red ink and as she reaches for her window button, I instinctively put the child lock on anticipating her next move, “don’t throw my paper out the fucking window Moon!” She throws it on the back seat and sucks her teeth, “you don’t even like that damn class, you like Tony, and I wrote that paper! You can’t present my point of view without my permission!” I bring the car to a screeching halt in my driveway, “I don’t like Tony! YOU do!” I slam the car door and go into the house to sulk, I just want a glass of wine and to relax.

Moon can see that’s she pissed me off, but as a best friend, she has to make it right, and she does, bringing to the living room a chilled glass of red wine and pretzels. My facial expression says, ‘I forgive you Moon, I really do.’ She strokes my hair gently as I lay in her lap on the couch, “who would’ve thought we’d grow up to be so damn pretty, it’s like we’re twins, except I’m finer than you.” That’s all it took for me to giggle and dispute her, “Moon, only reason you look good is cause I look good, you borrow all of my clothes and shoes!” Grown women, tickling each other like fools, forgiving each other for using our lethal tongues against one another.

“You need to call Tony, you like him and he likes you, when is the last time you lived a little? Grad school been stressing you out!” She was right and I didn’t want to admit it, but grad school had also been a nice distraction from myself, a vacation from my mind. “Moon I don’t even know what to say to him, Tony likes you honestly, he ain’t feeling me like that.” She handed me my cell phone, “call him and invite him over, I promise Tony likes you, I just got a feeling.” Moon always had a good feeling about something, but she was never wrong about those feelings. I wish I was as bold as her sometimes, so I often I found myself vicariously living through her, so wild and carefree.

I called Tony up and treated him like prey, I pounced on the opportunity to chill with him and invited him over for a movie, he took the bait and said he’d be over in an hour. “Moon you can’t be here when he gets here, if Tony sees you, he won’t even pay me any attention.” I ransacked my room trying to find something to wear, I can’t believe I invited Tony over knowing damn well I’d probably bore him into oblivion. “Blake, go wash yourself up, I got your outfit covered, and I’m not going anywhere but to my room, I gotta make sure you don’t ruin this date!” I breathed a sigh of relief, Moon always had all bases covered, I was a nervous wreck, I didn’t do dates often.

I hopped in the shower and took a cat bath, it wouldn’t be much longer before Tony got here, I yelled from the shower to Moon, “what are we gonna watch? What will I do with my hair Moon? OMG this was a bad idea!” She came in the bathroom just as I was getting out and wiped the fog from the bathroom mirror, I wrapped myself in a towel and stared blankly at myself, what am I doing? “You’re getting ready to have a good time, that’s what you’re doing Blake, stop tripping.” Moon could read the worry on my face, she pinned my wet hair into a bun and gave me a pep talk as I got dressed.

“You and Tony had a good time last time ya’ll went out, you should be just fine. This time, don’t talk about politics, religion, or grad school, all that shit is boring as hell! Just relax and have a good time, Tony is cool, we owe it to him to have a good time, especially after the last date.” I rolled my eyes at her, truth be told, I don’t really remember my last date with Tony, I drunk so much I blacked out and Moon ended up bringing me home, my body was so sore and I had a few bruises. Supposedly I’d fallen down some stairs, thank God Moon came to my rescue, I tried calling Tony to apologize about ruining our date but he never answered so I figured he was ignoring me and I didn’t blame him. But a few weeks back, Moon ran into him and made amends, told him I was sorry and didn’t even remember the date and she encouraged him to see me again. This date would be my last chance to make a first impression.

I got dressed and went into the kitchen to fix some wine and a small tray of pretzels, cheese, and grapes. Moon set up an action movie and straightened up the living room, the door bell rang and I freaked out, “OMG he’s here! Do I look ok? Please don’t let me drink too much tonite Moon! Should I answer the door?!” Moon snickered and dragged me to the door, “relax, calm down, and answer the door. I’ll be in my room. Have a good time Blake.”

I opened the door and there was Tony, looking like a sly cheshire cat, grinning all big, and better looking than what I remembered last time. All I could manage was a school girl giggle and, “hi.” He handed me a bouquet of lillies and hugged me, “good to see you Blakely, it’s been a while. Is Moon around too?” It’s been a while alright, I don’t remember our last damn date and he’s already asking about Moon! I pull my people skills together and charmed him into the living room. “Yes Moon is here, she’s in her room, she can leave if it’ll make you more comfortable but she is my roommate.” He took off his jacket and got comfortable on the couch, helping himself to a glass of wine on the coffee table before I even offered, what an asshole, “No no, Moon can stay, I was just going to speak, you have a really cool roommate ya know, me and Moon got along really well last time we went out.”

I scoffed at him, jerk, funny how he remembers the good time with Moon coming to my rescue to save my drunk ass instead of our date. I think we had a good time? I push that into the back of my mind and get comfortable next to him on the couch. “I hope the wine is to your liking, just let me say Tony, I’m extremely sorry about what happened on our first date, that was very out of character and unladylike, I was so embarassed, but I’m glad Moon was able to reconnect us again.” He smiled wide, that cheshire cat again, “Blakely, don’t apologize at all, we actually had a great time, I’m looking forward to enjoying you again, and like I said, I was surprised to meet someone like Moon but we had a good time. Let’s forget all about it, a clean slate, ok?”

His words calmed my nerves, maybe he’s not such an asshole after all, “Ok, let’s enjoy ourselves, I got Transformers 2 on dvd, I hope you like action movies.” He scooted over to sit closer to me, “oh yea, I love action! Good pick Blake.” I passed him the tray of snacks, he looked hungry and I wasn’t sure if he was hungry for me or for food, but I didn’t want to send mixed signals because I’d let him scoot over so close. I started the movie and exhaled, whispered to myself, “you’re in control Blakely, just chill.”

The movie was getting good, we hadn’t exchanged many words except for our excitement over the robots and our agreeance that Megan Fox was hot. I excused myself to use the restroom and ran into Moon in the hallway, “Moon are you spying on us?!” She snickered, “hell no, I was just trying to see if he was snoring yet!” Moon and her sense of humor, sometimes she bothered me, “why the hell would he be snoring, for your information, we’re having a pretty damn good time Moon! Go back to your room.” I laughed my way to the bathroom, when I came back out, Moon’s door was closed, I hope I hadn’t offended her.

I had finally relaxed and was getting comfortable with Tony, I sat back on the couch to finish the movie, “were you talking to Moon back there? Tell her come on out and watch the movie with us.” He had officially ruined the mood, “you sure do like Moon alot huh? If you wanted to kick it with her then you should have said so from the get instead of wasting my damn time.” I sucked my teeth so he could see how annoyed I was and it didn’t phase him one bit, “come on baby, don’t trip, we had a better time when Moon was with us, what’s up with this movie shit anyway, you know what I came for!” His hand snaked up my thigh and he snatched at the band of my yoga pants, “what the fuck are you doing?!” I hopped off the couch to face him, “I don’t know what the fuck you came for but it ain’t for this!”

He jumped off the couch and yawned, yawned at me like I was a joke, “bitch quit trippin! You want this, that’s what I came for, you like it rough remember, or was it Moon that liked it rough?” That evil grin appeared, like the devil was in front of me, I slapped him hard as I could and he charged me and I ducked to grab something to hit him with and before I knew it, *whack whack whack whack whack whack whack,* Moon had beat his skull in with a slugger, “OMG Moon what the fuck!” She snickered as he hit the ground, she put the tip of the slugger on his lips, spreading the blood on like lip gloss, “that’s what crazy tastes like BITCH!” I puked from the sight of it all, “Moon, what is wrong with you! Are you crazy?!”

Moon ignored me and I followed her into the kitchen, she got a bucket and cleaning supplies, I screamed at her, “dammit you hear me, what the hell just happened! You just killed him! We’re going to jail Moon!” When she finally looked at me, her eyes were so empty, like I could see right through her dark soul, “shut the fuck up and help me clean this shit up and I’ll tell you what just happened.” I grabbed gloves and ammonia and asked no more questions, I was officially scared shitless and I was going to do whatever Moon told me to do to fix this mess.

“Now now Blakely, you know I love you, we’ve been best friends forever. I had to protect you is all, that’s all I did was protect you, Tony deserved everything his ass got just now.” The tears started to fall, I almost rubbed my eyes, full of blood and bleach till she stopped me, “be strong Blake, stop that damn crying and clean! You need to hear everything I’m telling you.” I straightened myself up and kept scrubbing while she wrapped his body in a large sheet of plastic, had she been planning this shit? Where the hell did she get a plastic sheet from? “Blakely, the first time you and Tony went out, he raped you.” I couldn’t function, I was frozen, I stopped scrubbing and just stared at the bastard’s body, “what are you talking about Moon? I haven’t been raped!”

She dropped his leg on the floor, screaming at me, “you dumb cunt! you don’t even remember the damn date! You were boring him, religion, politics, grad school! I told you that shit was boring, so I came out to lighten things up, but he’d already done it before I got there. He drugged you! Put a damn roofie in that weak wine you like so much and took you to some rat ass motel and he raped you! I couldn’t do shit then but watch, yea, I watched that sick bastard, but I rescued you and now I’m taking care of things! I’m protecting you! I ran into him a few weeks back and he was just smiling from ear to ear like a damn cheshire cat, he mistook you for me, we look so much alike ya know. I saw the perfect opportunity present itself, he assumed I didn’t remember, hell you didn’t, but I did, so I set up another date, this date.”

The room started to spin and everything was so clear, all I could hear in my head was Moon’s voice asking, “is he snoring yet?” he yawned, oh my God he yawned, “Moon, you drugged him! You roofied his wine?! What if I had drank mine too!” She wouldn’t even look at me, just kept scrubbing, “I’m not stupid Blake, after blacking out on the first date I was pretty sure you’d want to be sober this date. Like I said before, I got you, I’m here to protect you, chill out!” I began to hyperventilate, I couldn’t believe I’d just killed a man! All I could think about was that damn research paper and red ink and in my head, I could hear Professor Dixon, “I know you won’t let me down, you owe me big time.”

Religion, politics, grad school, all that boring shit that kept me busy, kept me sane, my future, thinking about it all snapped me into survival mode, “where the fuck we burying this bastard?” Moon snickered, “that’s more like it, there’s a hole in the backyard waiting on his ass, we’re planting a garden next week, how do you feel about squash, tomatoes, and corn? You do like corn don’t you?” Suddenly I was horrified again, “Moon where the hell did a hole come from? When did you do that? A garden? And what about his car, Moon are you insane?!” She looked annoyed with me, “I’m saving your ass and you’re giving me the third degree? Tony doesn’t have a car, his sorry ass took public transit over here to come rape you again! And you been digging that hole for weeks, I been waking you up out of your sleep every night, and lastly, yes, a garden, this fools body will be great fertilizer for vegetables! Stop tripping!”

All I could see was red, enough was enough, I wanted to strangle her, “you’re the reason I’ve been sleep walking? Waking up dirty? Had me thinking I was crazy! What the hell is wrong with you Moon?” She jumped up ready to attack, “Poor Blakely, think you’re crazy? Girl you are crazy or I wouldn’t be here, you’d be able to do this on your own! Now shut the fuck up and help me finish cleaning this mess!” An adrenaline rush gave me everything I needed to smash Moon’s head into the wall until she passed out on the floor and I felt an immediate sense of relief. It’s Moon’s fault I’m in this mess, not mine, but I was going to finish what she started. I drug Tony’s body into the backyard and rolled him over into the hole, I was too dizzy to cover him with dirt, that would have to wait until tomorrow.

I stumbled back into the house and there was Moon’s weak, half lifeless image, begging for me to hold on to her, not to let her go. I wasn’t going to save her, she wasn’t worthy of being saved. She cried out to me, “they’ll still think you’re crazy, you’re still crazy Blake,” and I just laughed in her face, had me thinking I was crazy, no, she was the insane one! I wiped blood from my brow and sucked the tangy courage from my fingers, “this is what crazy tastes like bitch.” I got up to go lay down, I was dizzy as hell, “crazy my ass,” I turned around to see if Moon was dead yet, but who the hell was I talking to, there was no one else in the room …

Silent Killer!!!!

We are told that we as African American men and women have equal opportunity to live out our dreams. We are told constantly that we can be whoever or whatever we want to be. We are told that education is a huge factor in becoming successful in life. We are told that we as a generation of youngsters take too much for granted. Why is it that we never listen to what these great people are telling us? Why do we take so much for granted? Who owes us anything? We walk around as if the world owes us something but even we don’t know the answer to that question. Young America has began to lead by example. More and more high school graduates began to enroll in college. No matter the reason, they were always influenced by a friend or a fellow classmate. They saw the results of having a college education and soon decided to better themselves. They took the higher road. New on a college campus, you become excited and enthused to see what’s to come next and meet new people. College is supposed to be the life experience away from home that helps you to grapple reality. What happens when your own people began to “hate on you”? What happens when your fellow classmates bully you on a college campus? How do you handle hate by your own people? Sometimes being proud of your own race comes to a halt because it becomes impossible. How can you be proud of the young black man who shot and killed another young black man because he was jealous of him? Is this what we’ve come to college for? Do we celebrate the killer? Everyone has their own journey and their own way of getting to the top. Who are you to judge someone based on appearance? Senseless violence and crimes happen way too often on Black college campuses. How do you remain proud or celebrate your race when it’s your people who are committing these crimes? We will not admit it but us youngsters are so extremely jealous of one another that it causes us to become hateful towards each other. We want what each other haves. We don’t feel good about ourselves because no one is constantly telling us how great we are. We say that we’re happy for you but we secretly are jealous because you made it to the top before us. Why don’t we tell each other that we’re beautiful, talented, intelligent, loved, respected and worthy. Why is it so hard to be genuinely happy for someone else. What kills a person? Guns, knives, weapons, poison, etc. That’s a general answer. The truth is that we are silently killing each other.  

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